Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Ordained.

I've been praying a lot this week.  Like, a whole lot.  Not my usual several-minutes-in-the-morning-then-wander-around-and-when-something-comes-to-mind-I'll-pray-about-it.  I mean intentional prayer -- for several hours a day.

You've probably guessed already: there's a big issue that I'm agonizing over.  And I need direction -- desperately.  God knows so much more about this situation than I do -- and in my heart, I do know that He knows best -- but my head is telling me that my way would be so much better.

It scares me how much I want the things I want.  But God is in heaven; I'm on the earth.  He sees all; I don't even see the next second.  Psalm 139 has been my lifeline, time and time again.  Here are verses 14-16: 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.


"My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,


"Your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be."
 


Like the Steven Curtis Chapman song says:  "God is God and I am not."  Before I was even born, He knew this would come up.  He already has the end of this story written -- and He loves me.  Of course He'll bring glory to His name through this situation!  Whatever happens, will ultimately be best.

But I don't like it.  I don't like turning my life -- my desires, my affections, my emotions -- over to Him.  Because I'm afraid of how He'll change my life.  

Terrified, actually.

Do you know how scary it is to be alone with God?  To earnestly seek His will?  To bare your miserable soul before the Maker of the heavens and the earth?  To ask Him for His guidance -- even if it means forsaking everything you know and love -- and then listen?

Once the Lord sends conviction, to go against your conscience is sin.  So, to be perfectly honest, I guess I just don't want to be convicted about some of this!  Because some of it has to go and I'm not ready to say goodbye.  I was happy before any of this came up, thank you very much!  (Erm.  Mostly.)  I don't want to make any changes now.

But instead, I'm forced to surrender my will to be lost in His.  Because He knows best. 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
       test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
       and lead me in the way everlasting."
 


Psalm 139:23-24


8 comments:

Anonymous said...

"I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
Let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together!
I sought the Lord, and He answered me
And delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant,
And their faces shall never be ashamed."

Anonymous said...

"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Your presence,
and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit."

Mark said...

thats a lot of scripture, anonymous

Randy said...

Nothing wrong with scripture, Mark. ;-)

Sherri said...

Someone gave me those last verses to meditate on, but I think I memorized them in a different version. Is this the NIV?

Malachi said...

i had those verses for meditation too! so good

Anonymous said...

Meditation is good.

Jenn Joshua said...

There's a Sara Groves song called, "Know My Heart" that is based off the last few verses of Psalm 139. I love it when those lines get stuck in my head.