Thursday, November 12, 2009

Two Masters.


It's a dreary, rainy day, tacked onto the end of a vicious windstorm.  I fell asleep to the sound of the wind rattling the house, shaking the brittle trees -- and the noise of the rain, pounding against the roof, splashing at the windows.  When I looked out the window this morning, the ground was plastered with wet leaves.  The trees are nearly bare.  Winter is coming.  And soon, this year will be over.  I'm ready for the seasons to be made new again.

I've been plodding away, working on several blog posts simultaneously these past few weeks.  (It's a good thing you can't see all the drafts I have, lurking in my "Edit Posts" folder.  It's shameful.)  But I'm feeling so terribly distracted these days.  I meant to publish part two of my previous post today, but I can't stay focused for more than a few minutes at a time.

You know how it is when you're faced with a big decision?  It's the only thing you can think about.  It plays over and over in your mind.  You can barely sleep.  When you dream, it's all you dream about.  It's all people ask you about.  It's all God speaks to you about.  And, knowing what you should do, and knowing what you want to do, leaves a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.  Because soon, you'll have to choose.  "Choose ye this day whom ye will serve...."

And I cringe.  It would be so tantalizingly easy to do the wrong thing.

A friend of mine recently told me that you can't serve two masters -- if you desire something more than you desire God, you end up resenting God.  And oh, how true that is!  So often, over the past few weeks, I've felt myself at the edges of resentment towards God for that very reason -- I'm not willing to give myself (and every area of my life) completely to Him.  Instead, I argue with Him:  "Why did you have to bring this to my attention right now?"  "Why did you have to make me unsettled about this?"  "If things had to end up this way, why couldn't you have revealed it all months ago?"  "How could you let me go so far?"

Humans arguments, I can answer.  I can speak and minds can change.  I can even lie to myself for a time.  But I can't hide or contend with the unsettledness in my heart.  The lack of peace.  When I pray, it's there.  I still don't want to make any decisions.  But I must.

That's where I am right now.  Soon, it'll be over.  The decisions will be finalized and maybe peace will come again, but for now, I'm losing all my focus for daily tasks.  There are things to write -- deadlines to meet -- work to get done -- and I'm stuck here in this slough of turmoil.

In moments like these, it's almost embarrassing to remember that God always comes through -- that He works all things together for good (His good, mind you.  Not always our initial perception of what it is good.  But in time, He makes His good, our good, through His grace).  When I look at my narrow-minded, stubborn, willful self....it's disgusting, the way I've often lost focus.  God already promised to lead me in a straight path if only I trust in Him.  He already promised to give me wisdom if I ask for it.  He already promised to take my cares if I cast them on Him.  So why this doubting?  Why this refusal to surrender my will to His?

Two masters.  I've tried to serve them both, keep them both happy.  And in doing so, I have honored no one.

Dear readers, pray for wisdom every day.  And when you feel that nudge at your heart, that twinge of conscience, that unsettledness in your spirit....listen.  Life is too short to serve two masters.  Decide where your allegiance lies, and spend your life proving it.

6 comments:

Sherri said...

God bless you as you seek to honor him with your decisions!

Pure*Girl said...

This is exactly what I have been caught up in for the past month. I'm praying for you as you seek Him and His will!
~Kirsten~

Debra said...

Believe it or not, I get what you're saying. I've been that road. It's rough but keep trusting. <3

Deb (from RTF)

Anonymous said...

Praying that you'll do the right thing and serve our LORD first!

Topaz said...

Thanks for sharing. I needed to hear this today especially.

Jenn Joshua said...

Thank you, guys! That means a lot.