Saturday, January 23, 2010

I Never Forgave.

How do you possibly learn to forgive someone? On Wednesday, while working at the pregnancy center, I started reading a book about forgiveness. I picked it up because I had a no-show and an extra 30 minutes before seeing my next client. The book was short and the cover was cute. I didn’t think I could learn anything from it. Silly me.

Remember everything that went on last fall? I blogged about it, a little.

I don’t even think I was more than two pages into the book before I realized I still had a problem. A big one. By compartmentalizing the hurt I’d experienced, I found a way to go on with my life without it playing as a constant refrain in my mind. But, though I’d absorbed the impact of the hurt and for all appearances “let it go” by “forgetting” about it, I hadn’t forgiven everything.

Because I wasn’t moving on.

Forgetting is not the same as forgiving. And believe me, it was the worst feeling in the world to realize how much I still have to give up to God.

Last night, I sat on the kitchen table talking to my sister with tears streaming down my face as I tried to explain just how many layers of hurt and unforgiveness are still piled up in my heart. “How does this go away? How am I supposed to forgive everything?” I asked her. “How can I just walk away and accept everything that happened?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “It’s something God gives us the power to do. We can’t do it ourselves.”

So. “Hello Lord, it’s me, your child, again….”

And, on top of that, I’m going to re-read the book. It’s by June Hunt and the title is, “Forgiving Others”. I’ll blog my notes (or any particularly good quotes I come across) as much as I can. I have a lot to learn and I hope I am willing to.

Thanks for joining me.


Deb said...

That's tough. I'll be praying for you, ok? God will give you the strength to deal with this. But you have to be willing to give it to Him to start with. I love your honesty, Jenn. Keep pushing forward.


Justin Scott said...

Good luck with that. I really admire your decision. I'm also interested to see your notes from the book - it sounds good.

God bless.

Anonymous said...

prayers to you